John McCain Knows Football
It doesn't really appear like I'm going to be able to get to a full writeup on last week's NFL games. Like many of you, I suppose, I'm mildly obsessed (though I prefer the word pre-occupied) with the election next week and have been using most of my increasingly limited free time accordingly.
Therefore, I've decided to use John McCain, Republican candidate for President, to sum up last week's NFL action. Frankly, he was up for the challenge, and I appreciate him subbing in here at the last minute.
Take it away, John Sidney McCain III.
My friends, what a doozy we saw last week in the National Football League. Well, I remember the days of the Galloping Ghost and my hero Ronald Reagan playing The Gipper, but I'm not sure anything could compare to what we saw on The Television last weekend.
My friends, even though I don't like to mention it, I've lived in or around Warshington D.C. for longer than most of you have been alive. And I therefore root for the Redskins, unless I'm at one of my eight homes around the country, in which case I root for the local team! And those Redskins trounced the Detroit Lions, didn't they folks? AREN'T THEY GREAT? Sure, they only beat the terrible Lions by eight points, but a win is a win! And I know how to win! I do!
In fact, if the Lions - who have yet to win, most likely because they're from Michigan, a state I stoppped campaigning in almost a month ago - if they want my help rooting out the evil doers, I can do it. I have a plan. I know how it's done.
But I won't tell them. Nope. Not unless Michigan gives me its electoral votes.
Anyhoo, I also watched some of that Kansas City game against the New York Jets. Let me tell you something, New York is a TERRIBLE place unless I want to use the horrors of 9/11 to scare people shitless. Aside from that, I'll just pretend it's like that Kurt Russell movie and bash it all to hell. (At least when I'm not at cocktail parties with the media elite I like to pretend I hate.) And when I watched that game - remember, Missouri is still very much in play - I was so impressed by that Tyler Thigpen.
Now, nobody really knows much about Tyler Thigpen, and in fact he's only shown a teensy bit of prowess in the game. So, my friends, I'm telling you this right now - if I'm elected, my new Secretary of Defense will be Tyler Thigpen! Sure, I've never met the guy, but I can feel his greatness right there in my gut.
Have I mentioned yet that I was a prisoner of war? Man, how did I let that go so long? I have the scars to prove it! And when I was there, they asked me for my troop leaders, so I gave them the names of the Green Bay Packers offensive line! Or the Steelers offensive line, depending on where I'm campaigning. That's just how this old guy rolls. (That's what the kids say these days, right? On The Google? Or on The Emails? Fantastic.)
Anyway, those Packers were amazing last week, they really were. (What's that? They were on bye? What the fuck? I saw Brett Favre, I know it! Oh...shit.)
Anyway, my wife is a whore. Have I mentioned that? Only to a few reporters and my wife to her face? I should really start messaging better.
My friends, I feel like I haven't said "my friends" nearly enough yet. I want to talk a little here about shady characters. When you hear Mike The Football Coach talk about Vernon the Tight End, you know which way is right.
What I've really been impressed by lately is how the forward pass has really taken off. I thought that was a fad, but those guys have really kept with it.
Now, I know I've gone far too long without talking about myself as a Maverick, or mentioning that my bus is called the Straight Talk Express, my friends, but times are tough. I know it. Why, Cindy (that's the trollop) and I paid a crapload of taxes this year, and I left my favorite belt buckle in one of our 13 cars, and I can't for the life of me figure out which one. That's just awful, my friends.
You may know I like to do a little gambling from time to time. My friends, I hate to say this with my socially conservative friends reading, but I took it in the ass this weekend. What's with all the pushes? And when did Cleveland decide they could play? If I wasn't so gosh darn rich, I would have been even richer after last weekend...but instead, I threw away at least one of your salaries on the picks. (Don't worry, it wasn't nearly as much money as we spent on my hot running mate's clothing in the last two months. Heaven forbid!)
My friends, you may not know this but there's an election next week, and with all the polls saying I'm dead in the water, I need to remind you of a few things:
- I was a POW.
- Football is a game of inches, my friends, and I have the scars to prove it!
- Barack Obama wants to ban football and replace it with cricket! Or some other namby-pamby sport! It's true because he knows this guy who he met once or twice who HATES football! That's not change we can believe in!
- (Did you see what I did there? That was pretty clever, right? Heh heh heh.)
- My friends, I do not in any way resemble Abe Simpson, and it's just WRONG to say so.
- By the way, have you noticed how hot my running mate Sarah Palin is? Sure, she's the most unqualified person for the job I could possibly have found, but really, for having shoved out five kids, that's one tight job she's got going there. Sometimes, my friends, I wonder...even when I'm on the stage, I wonder.
- My friends, I haven't even talked about this glorious war I love so much! I gotta tell you folks, if you do me the honor of electing me, Governor Palin and I will be sure to put ALL of your children in harms way! If not Iran, North Korea! Or Mexico! Or fuck it, Canada! WAR WAR WAR! What is it good for? ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING - SAY IT AGAIN!
- So, my press guys tell me I haven't mentioned that I was a POW in the last sixty seconds, and that's not good, my friends. POW POW POW.
Anyhoo, I have to go tune up the TV set and get those rabbit ears agoing - I hear that young fella Baracky Obama is going to be on the teevee, and gosh darnit, I want to know what he has to say.
Oh, and congrats to Eric Johson of Studs Urkel for the win. I know he won't vote for me, but he won fair and square. As I'm hoping to do - and if not, fuck it, I'll cheat.
(Apologies to any of you who came here looking for actual football analysis, but this election is really important. Know hope. Vote Obama.)