Fun From Mental Floss

Mental Floss is a pretty cool magazine which I don't subscribe to because, well, I don't subscribe to magazines anymore. But, they also have a fun blog, Twitter feed and website where you learn all sorts of interesting things. Such as...this:

The United States contains 2.35 billion square-feet of self-storage space. This equates to roughly 7.4 square feet of space for every person in the country.


Or, as Ira Glass puts it: “All of us could stand inside self-storage at the same time.”

I really have nothing else to add to this. Also, check out the Amazing Fact Generator, which justifies its brilliant name with gems like this - try to stop clicking:

By the way, that's not very good company. Burma and Liberia? Not exactly known for smart, free thinking. But, a topic for another day...hit the above image and start finding your own amazing facts.

Attention: Anyone Who Needs Convincing That Bill Walsh Is A Top-Five All-Time Coach

Seriously? I have to actually argue this point to anyone? This kind of bums me out.

It started simply enough, with Peter King of Sports Illustrated tweeting a response to the following question:

RT @boitanotke: Where does Bill Walsh rank among your top HC? ... Easily top 10. Probably top 5.

Because  I am completely in the tank for my San Francisco 49ers, but also because I know at least a little about football, I hastily responded back to King:

@SI_PeterKing Bill Walsh is PROBABLY a top-5 all time HC? Dare you to name five better, both on field and league impact. Cant do it.

Yes, I'm a football dork and kind of an a-hole, but you knew that already. For whatever reason, King chose to respond back, not really answering my question but putting into his Twitter stream, which produced a HUGE amount of responses to me. Some folks agreed with me, while others provided their list of five coaches they'd rank above Bill Walsh. It's true that there are clearly some other names that belong on that list, but it was the folks suggesting insane replacement names that got me thinking two things:

1) I can't imagine the inanities that Peter King and others get in their inboxes, twitter streams, etc., on a daily basis.

2) I guess I have to make the argument that Walsh is an easy choice for top-five all-time as a NFL Head Coach.

Let's get the sheer statistics out of the way first. Bill Walsh coached from 1979-1988, ten full seasons in the NFL. Like most coaches, he inherited a bad team -- and he still averaged 9.2 wins a season for those ten years. Let's break it down - here is how he ended a ten-year run:

• Overall Record: 102-63-1
• Regular Season Record: 92-59-1
• Playoff Record: 10-4
• NFC West Division Titles: 6
• NFC Championships: 3 
• Super Bowl Wins: 3

In 60% of the seasons Bill Walsh coached, he won the division, and in half of those he won the Super Bowl. He built an incredibly talented team and coached the hell out of them, year after year. The franchise went from being irrelevant to a true dynasty, winning 10 or more games in sixteen consecutive seasons and collecting five Super Bowls along the way. Those are feats not likely to ever be replicated.

But wait, you say -- those last two Super Bowls were won by George Seifert, not Walsh. True! And while many treat Seifert as a Barry Switzer-type, falling head first into a Super Bowl ring or two, I'm not one of those - he did well with what he had and won his second ring five years after Walsh retired. But Seifert is just one prime example of another reason Walsh is a no-brainer - his legacy in the modern era is also unmatched. Look at this coaching tree, courtesy of Wikipedia (click to expand):

Seriously, there are five guys on that list I want to be the head coach of the 49ers TODAY. (In case you are wondering, Jon Gruden, Jeff Fisher, Mike Mularkey, John Fox and even Marty Mornigwheg are names theoretically in play that are part of Walsh's tree. They'd all be pretty huge improvements over any coach the 49ers have had since Steve Mariucci, who also of course is on this chart.) Add in active NFL'ers Mike Holmgren, Andy Reid, Mike McCarthy, Mike Tomlin, Mike Smith, Mike Shanahan (seriously, how many guys named Mike are there?), as well as names like Tony Dungy and Brian Billick, and you have a preposterous coaching legacy.

I'm not saying Bill Walsh personally tutored all of these guys (though that's accurate for some). But what I am saying is that all of them are building on the philosophy, the game planning and the organization that Walsh personally installed. The NFL is a league built on copy-cats -- if something works, other teams follow suit. This occasionally leads to a few years where, post Ottis Anderson and Bill Parcells' ball-control offense, everyone else tries to do the same. Heck, the league just got over its brief infatuation with the "Wildcat" offense, because it isn't really a great way to win games. What they do keep doing? Running versions of the West Coast offense, scripting the first 15-20 plays of a game, etc. That's Bill Walsh, and quite frankly, nobody should need reminding of this if they care about professional football.

But who else should be in that top-five of all-time? I admit, there are just enough other names to make this a debate, but I feel confident that Walsh still cracks any reasonable top-five list. As with any such things, I am openly and obviously disregarding the eras of football I know nothing about (and, most likely, nor do you). If you want to tell me that George Halas or Sid Gillman was the best coach of all-time, I can shrug and agree that Rogers Hornsby is also the best second baseman of all-time, but all I'm doing is looking at stats and wondering just how different the game was back then.

The All-Time Top Five Head Coaches:

Chuck Noll. The Pittsburgh Steelers of the 1970's were the most dominant team of my youth and what got me interested in football in the first place. He coached for 23 years - astonishing - and won FOUR Super Bowls along the way. That's really all you need to know, but it's worth pointing out that like Walsh, he never lost a Super Bowl, he won 11 division championships and also had a HUGE influence on the league, drafting Hall of Fame talents on both side of the ball, providing new opportunities for African Americans both on the field and as coaches. But, really - he has four rings. Enough said.

Vince Lombardi:  Did I just say I wasn't going to list any coaches that I don't remember? Rules are made to be broken. The Super Bowl trophy is named after Lombardi for a reason - he made the National Football League what it is. He won two Super Bowls and five championships in total, having begun his legendary career before the Super Bowl was even a concept.

If teams still weren't running plays they called a "Green Bay Sweep," and if the game had truly changed in a formative, important way since Lombardi ruled the roost, I might hesitate here. But he's the man, right? Silly to pretend otherwise.

Tom Landry: Have I ever mentioned that I hate the Cowboys? Because I really, really do. But if any team rivaled the Steelers in the 1970s, or any coach have as much influence as Noll in that period or later, it's Tom Landry. He invented the 4-3 defense, which most teams still run to this day. He won two Super Bowls and coached his team to another three appearances during his amazing 29 years as Head Coach. In his first five seasons, he averaged less than four wins a season - and still kept his job, and won 250 total regular season games and won 14 division championships.

It's impossible not to have him on your list, even if it gives me stomach pains to give props to a Dallas Cowboy.

Since we already have Bill Walsh on our mantle here, there's only room for one more. As it turns out, I think there are two potential choices here, and I'm willing to accept either, though I have my preference.

Paul Brown: Seriously? I'm going to list another coach I know nothing about except legend? Well ... maybe. After all, Bill Walsh learned from him. He is considered the "father of the modern offense" and founded two league franchises (the Bengals and Browns). He won three championships (this was all pre-Super Bowl) and also won all four championships in the short-lived AAFC. He essentially defined player recruitment, and numerous other league standards. And again, Walsh grew up in his system.

However, I'm going to lean away from Brown ... if only because I really don't know enough about him and also because Walsh only ended up with the 49ers because Brown didn't promote him and according to Walsh actively worked against him in terms of his coaching. So...that's not cool.

Instead, I'll begrudgingly give the nod to Don Shula. Shula, of course, won two Super Bowls including the only undefeated team in league history (including said Super Bowl, of course). He averaged over nine wins a season over a 33-year coaching career, beginning with the Colts and ending, of course, with the Dolphins. My problem with Shula is that for much of his career, he had very mediocre teams - teams that would always compete but rarely seemed a real threat to win it all. But results truly do speak and his career legacy is truly impressive.

Other folks suggested names like Bill Parcells, Joe Gibbs, Bill Belichek, Marv Levy, Hank Schram, Bud Grant and - wait for it - George Seifert. (I'm still not quite sure if that guy was high, joking or just a little thick in the head.). Of all of those, I would expect Belichek to crack my eventual top five, nudging out the Brown/Shula slot. I appreciate what Parcells and Gibbs did - but they fall short of the names actually on the list.

I know that Peter King considers Bill Walsh to be in his Top Ten, and certainly, this is a subjective list from the start. But for anyone who doesn't think he belongs next to Lombardi, Noll and Landry? You're crazy. And wrong.

See Ya, Coach Mike

At long last, our regional nightmare is over - San Francisco 49ers Head Coach Mike Singletary was fired on December 26, after yet another uninspired loss - this time, to the division rival St. Louis Rams. Before the season began, expectations were that the team would not only win the division but contend through the playoffs. Many even picked the team as a dark horse sleeper for the Super Bowl. (Note: I was not one of them, though I did expect a playoff berth.)

Hindsight is, of course, 20/20, and it's easy to see that Singletary was overmatched - he'd never been a coordinator, let alone a head coach, and he not only stunk at his job but did so in a way that alienated fans, the media and seemingly (though not publicly) many players. For a guy who rose to prominence within the team by his ability to give motivational speeches, he ended up with a team that often came out for games flat, listless and seemingly without any motivation whatsoever. On Sunday, with the chance to still make the playoffs after an 0-5 start, the team was obviously not prepared or ready to fight - this, I believe, is the reason Singletary was fired with just one game left on the schedule. Too late? Perhaps. But it was, indeed, the right decision.

I've been struck by how many comments I've seen on the web saying, in essence, that Singletary was NOT the problem - the problem was Alex Smith and the lack of any real backup at the quarterback position.

That's just crazy talk - these people clearly are Singletary fans, but couldn't have watched many games -- because it was obvious to anyone who did that Singletary was lost, in way over his head and an increasingly embarassing excuse for a Head Coach.

(Note: While I've been an Alex Smith defender in the past, those days are gone - as, I trust, will be Mr. Smith after the season. (He's a free agent, and even if the team wants him back - which I'm sure they don't - there's no reason he'd stay unless he literally had no other options.) But Singletary put all his chips in with Alex Smith, even trading away Shaun Hill to reduce competition - seriously - leaving the team with David Carr, who was so inept that as soon as he'd thrown a pass in a real game, he was dropped to third on the depth chart. Troy Smith showed promise - but got yanked around by Sing for no real good cause. If folks want to blame Alex for the 49ers problems, they can - but it's not like Singletary had nothing to do with this.)

Those who say Singletary was not the problem are right in only one sense - he's not the ONLY problem the franchise faces. But he was a HUGE problem, and here are just a few reasons why:

1. Horrible Game Management From having an offensive coordinator who couldn't get plays called in time to being unable to adapt at half-time or during the game ("I need to watch the film" has become a regional joke), Singletary seemed unable and unwilling to yield from whatever approach he and the team took into the game. This also included, just for fun, numerous instances of taking timeouts during the first series of a half, delays of game, etc. Good times.
2. Stupid On-Field Plays: When you decide to start two rookie offensive linemen, you need to accept some flaws - but penalties and mistakes happened all over the field, from Nate Clements losing the game against Atlanta to less obvious moments. These are not the actions of a well-coached team.
3. The Lack of a Plan: More on this below, but Singletary first came out saying he wanted a "kick them in the mouth" kind of team, one with a strong defense, power running game, etc. (Much like his Chicago Bears of the 1980s.) Sure, this isn't exactly what the San Francisco 49ers are known for, but why not? Somehow, this led to ignoring Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree, insisting that the team couldn't use Brian Westbrook because it had Frank Gore (until he broke) and scaring away any potential offensive coordinator who actually believed in the modern, pro-style offense. Suffice it to say, this didn't work.

I could go on, but Michael Lombardi - rumored to be a candidate for the GM position - did a better job talking about what makes a good coach - it's a four-point list, and Singletary failed on each point:

» The first is called management of attention, which means the leader has a comprehensive plan for achieving success. Not just a plan for the offense or defense, but a plan for the entire team.

» The second area is called management of meaning, which means the leader can explain his plan in detail and be able to motivate people to follow his plan.

» The third area is called management of trust, which means the leader will be trusted to do the right thing all the time and always place what is essential first.

» The fourth area is called management of self, which means the leader will be critical of himself when he makes a mistake.

The entire article is excellent, and really gets at the root of the failure - again, Singletary goes 0-for-4 on this list. He had no real plan - and it was painfully obvious from the start. He either couldn't explain his approach or refused to - starting almost every sentence with, "I just think..." and then repeating things like, "...we're going to win." If your plan is to just think you are going to win, well...that's not going to do it. He may have still had the trust of some players but his bosses, the media and fans saw a guy who stood on the sidelines, screamed at officials and players, and then acted to the media and fans as if he was Bill Walsh and Bill Belichek rolled up into one. (Um, you can act like Belichek when you win like him - and Walsh, with his massive pedigree, was always polite and engaging with the press. Singletary showed a bad side by acting like a jerk when there was no good reason to.) Finally, he refused to admit when he made mistakes - and was petty, banning certain sports writers when they lobbed him softballs he didn't like, and being laughably bad on his Tuesday morning radio show on KNBR.

I really respect him as a person, and as a Hall of Fame player, but he was a complete horrorshow as 49ers coach. This from a team that recently featured Mike Nolan and Dennis Erickson in the same role. Yeah, when you look bad in that company, with a clearly superior talent base? You aren't very good at your job.

How does the team respond? Folks who aren't diehard Niners fans may not have realized the team didn't have a GM ... but they will be hiring one, who will then select the Head Coach. And, as owner Jed York acknowledged, they'll be looking to make a real change at quarterback - it's conceivable that all four QBs on the roster currently won't be back in 2011. (I'm still holding out some hope on Nate Davis, and Troy Smith seems like he could be a reasonable backup.)

Rumors abound about Jon Gruden or Jim Harbaugh - but honestly, a competent winner who can surround himself with top shelf coordinators and a plan ... that is all I hope for. Is it too much to hope for? Time will tell.

Why I Live In Northern California

Because I can look at a video like this and think, "Hey, that's COOL" and not, "God, I don't want to go outside..."


December 2010 Blizzard Timelapse from Michael Black on Vimeo.

Stay warm, East Coast peeps.

Happy Festivus!

It's Festivus, the completely made-up holiday that seems to have taken on a life of its own. We actually celebrate this in my family - actually, we celebrate my parents wedding anniversary (today is their 48th!), but since Seinfeld declared December 23 Festivus, that's what we now call it.

Festivus! For the rest of us!

To answer several questions -- no, we do not air grievances or indulge in the feats of strength - but we do open gifts, make a delicious meal and generally engage in holiday festivity.

Due to the popularity of Seinfeld, and the sheer fact that Americans will find any excuse to buy new shit, there are now places to buy Festivus Poles, as well as a litany of books about the "holiday." Whatever. All I know is, it's the holiday season - go get some.

And while you're at it, if you are so inclined, go take this Festivus quiz over at Mental Floss.

Happy Festivus, y'all!

A Visit From The Goon Squad

Jennifer Egan is slowly identifying herself as one of my favorite authors, both because of her absolute command of language and scene as well as the fact that none of her books bear much resemblance to each other. It's always unexpected -- from the creepy, prophetically timed Look At Me (which involved, potentially, a domestic terrorist and was released just before 9/11), the eerie gothic story of The Keep, her lauded first novel The Invisible Circus (which I have yet to read) or her latest, one of the best books of 2010, A Visit From The Goon Squad.

Goon Squad - the title refers to, among other things, a misremembered expression by one character that "time is a goon" -- follows a set of characters over the course of maybe forty to fifty years, from the West Coast indie punk scene of the early 1980s to some date in the relatively near future. We begin with Sasha, who is working for a record producer and, we learn, addicted to stealing useless things. Through her, we meet her friends, co-workers - and their connections take us to others and back again.

As we move back in time to the Mabuhay Gardens (the "Mab") in San Francisco, back to Manhattan, to Europe and Africa, through the years we meet a huge set of characters, and each story is told slightly differently. (One chapter, in fact, is told exclusively through PowerPoint slides.) The story is also not told linearly - we move backward and forward in time without it being expressly acknowledged. In the hands of a less talented author, the technique would overwhelm, and it would be hard to stay engaged throughout. However, Egan connects each piece well enough that one never feels disconnected -- even though I did wonder what happened to a few characters, and wanted to spend more time with many of them than this format allowed, I was always engaged fully with the story. And Egan certainly delivers towards the end, bringing us back to some of the initial characters and story in a way that feels absolutely honest.

One technique she uses is by - in the middle of a passage - telling us how some of these characters will end up (so we never have to revisit them) and I loved the surprise of these moments. Here's one that takes place during a chapter detailing an African safari that one of the main characters is on with a girlfriend and numerous others:

The members of Ramsey's safari have gained a story they'll tell for the rest of their lives. It will prompt some of them, years from now, to search for each other on Google and Facebook, unable to resist the wish-fulfillment fantasy these portals offer: What ever happened to...? In a few cases, they'll meet again to reminisce and marvel at one another's physical transformations, which will seem to melt away with the minutes. Dean, whose success will elude him until middle age, when he'll land the role of a paunchy, outspoken plumber in a popular sitcom, will meet for espresso with Louise (now a chubby twelve year-old from the Phoenix Faction), who will Google him after her divorce. Postcoffee, they'll repair to a Days Inn off San Vicente for some unexpectedly moving sex, then to Palm Springs for a golf weekend, and finally to the altar, accompanied by Dean's four adult children and Louise's three teenagers. But this outcome will be the stark exception -- mostly, the reunions will lead to a mutual discovery that having been on safari thirty-five years before doesn't qualify as having much in common, and they'll part ways wondering what, exactly, they'd hoped for. 

As evidenced above, despite some (many?) tender moments, it's not a particularly upbeat novel -- the characters are all somewhat lost, anxious and disconnected. The story has no shortage of tragedies either, both personal and thematic. But Goon Squad is so compelling, so wholly unique, and ultimately fulfilling that it's easily one of the best novels I've read this year, and one of the better books I've read in recent years. Go get it.

Rating: 9.0/10.0

To the Fantasy Football Gods

(Yes, I lifted this from Kelly Oxford's eject):

Why couldn't I have gotten a bye week? Sigh.

By the way, the beauty of this image is that I have so very many possibilities to use this - as in, "Dear John McCain, here's a holiday greeting" or "Dear Mother Nature, please stop raining for ONE SINGLE DAY" ... really, the possibilities are limitless.

Yay, the 49ers won.

I'll probably have more to say on this at some point, but yesterdays win was a nice reminder that the team has some real talent, that has mostly been frittered away this season by poor coaching. 


A somewhat brilliant tweet (from, I believe, Tim Kawakami) was whether in his post-game press conference Mike Singletary would say he couldn't answer why things went right until he'd "watched the film" - his standard answer all season long when things have gone wrong. I don't know whether he did or not, but he absolutely should have - and if he didn't, I hope he was asked why not.


In related news, I hate Mike Singletary.


So, I groaned when I read in this morning's Monday Morning Quarterback by Peter King that he'd named Singletary the Coach of the Week:

Coach of the Week: Mike Singletary, head coach, San Francisco.

Most people (including me) think Singletary’s coaching out the string with the 49ers. But he’s still coaching to win every game he can, and making decisions for the short term, because this team, incredibly, still has a chance to win the worst division in recent NFL history. He switched quarterbacks from Troy to Alex Smith (even though he’d grown fed up with Alex Smith by midseason), and Alex came through with the best game a quarterback has played for the Niners this year. And San Francisco routed the Seahawks 40-21.

But, like every Peter King column, I'm not going to waste too much time dissecting why this is wrong, giving credit to someone making a desperate move that happened to work out ... because Kissing Suzy Kolber just does it better:

Singletary went back to Alex Smith because Troy Smith proved to somehow be an even shittier option and the coach was rewarded with a fluky flash of competency from the guy he already gave up on once. JUST THE WAY HE DREW IT UP!

So. Very. True. Look, I'm happy that the 49ers won, conflicted over the fact that they could still make the playoffs, and reasonably sure that yesterdays win proves how bad the Seahawks are than almost anything else.

But there's no reason to give too much credit to Singletary for this move - he's yanked Alex Smith around so poorly and probably been the nail in his professional career's coffin. (Yeah, that metaphor sucks. Drive on.) He's understandably desperate for any type of a win, so he made the only logical move he had left. It worked out. Good for him.

The DeSean Plunge

I know I'm supposed to be outraged about this kind of thing but ... it's awesome. And if players don't like it, they should stop DeSean Jackson from scoring. (And hey, at least he didn't fumble on the 1-yard line this time.)

Awesome sauce.

Hard Work and Preparation

Just remember, before you can create an iconic image ...

You have to get ready.

Courtesy of kottke.

Aaron Sorkin vs The Phony Pioneer Girl

In an article that seems tailor-made for me, Aaron Sorkin has issued a screed against former half-term Governor Sarah Palin. Faithful readers of this blog will know that Sorkin is a personal favorite - Sports Night and The West Wing are two of my all-time favorite shows, and The Social Network is undoubtedly the best written film of the year. On the flip side, let's just say that Palin is ... not my favorite anything, except maybe as a target to complain about. But Sorkin? He's on point, ripping into Palin for carving up a moose on her "reality" show and first issuing a pre-emptive strike (on Facebook, natch) by saying:

"Unless you've never worn leather shoes, sat upon a leather chair or eaten meat, save your condemnation."

I should preface this by saying an actual member of the "Hollywood elite" complaining about Palin in the Huffington Post of all places isn't too earth-shaking. But, as always with Sorkin, it's not just what he says but how damn well he says it:

Like 95% of the people I know, I don't have a visceral (look it up) problem eating meat or wearing a belt. But like absolutely everybody I know, I don't relish the idea of torturing animals. I don't enjoy the fact that they're dead and I certainly don't want to volunteer to be the one to kill them and if I were picked to be the one to kill them in some kind of Lottery-from-Hell, I wouldn't do a little dance of joy while I was slicing the animal apart.

I'm able to make a distinction between you and me without feeling the least bit hypocritical. I don't watch snuff films and you make them. You weren't killing that animal for food or shelter or even fashion, you were killing it for fun. You enjoy killing animals. I can make the distinction between the two of us but I've tried and tried and for the life of me, I can't make a distinction between what you get paid to do and what Michael Vick went to prison for doing.

I'm able to make the distinction with no pangs of hypocrisy even though I get happy every time one of you faux-macho shitheads accidentally shoots another one of you in the face.

So I don't think I will save my condemnation, you phony pioneer girl. (I'm in film and television, Cruella, and there was an insert close-up of your manicure while you were roughing it in God's country. I know exactly how many feet off camera your hair and make-up trailer was.)

And you didn't just do it for fun and you didn't just do it for money. That was the first moose ever murdered for political gain. You knew there'd be a protest from PETA and you knew that would be an opportunity to hate on some people, you witless bully. What a uniter you'd be -- bringing the right together with the far right.

Like I said, this screed won't change a single person's opinion of either Palin or Sorkin, but it's damn good writing and as good as any takedown of the utter phony that is Sarah Palin.

The Definition of Insanity? Or Incompetence?

The general consensus is that Mike Singletary, Head Coach of the 49ers, will lose his job at the end of the season barring some type of miraculous turnaround. Singletary is aware of this and is clearly openly flailing around for a lifeline at this point.

As a die-hard 49ers fan, it's been rough sledding for the last eight seasons, ever since Steve Mariucci was fired without a gameplan to replace him. Mooch had his flaws - or, perhaps, limits - as a coach, but he ran a West Coast offense, used his talent pretty well and had the team competitive for the playoffs every year, if not the dominant force they had been in the 1980s and 1990s.

Yes, I miss the Mooch.

I didn't cry when the team let him go -- I remember thinking that Mariucci couldn't take the critical next step - he could get the team to the playoffs, but not thrive in those playoffs.

Oh, how greedy I was.

When Mooch was let go, I foolishly expected that there was a gameplan in how to replace him. The team still hasn't figured it out. From Dennis Erickson to Mike Nolan to Singletary, the team has sputtered with guys who the rest of the league must laugh at. Erickson was so uninspiring that I can barely remember him. That's kind of shocking considering how much of a fan I am. Nolan sounded great - and was the son of former 49ers coach Dick Nolan (long before my time, but it seemed cool) ... and turned out to not really be up to the job, either. (He's done well as back in his old role as defensive coordinator.)

But, it turns out that Erickson and Nolan were veritable coaching legends compared to the foolish, clueless and increasingly desperate Mike Singletary. It's not like the warning signs weren't there -- he'd never been a head coach before or even a coordinator. Every worthwhile offensive coordinator either bolted (see Martz, Mike) or took themselves out of consideration after meeting with Singletary. And though he clearly had a lot to do with getting Vernon Davis to begin realizing his potential, his legend of being a motivator, turning guys around, etc., grew faster than it possibly warranted.

What's truly clear is that Singletary has NO. IDEA. WHAT. TO. DO. None. His big idea was reverting to 1970's style football - power running, strong defense. I'm fairly sure that his plan wasn't all that much more detailed than that -- he delegates to his coordinators, and sees himself more as a CEO, a big-picture guy. That's fine when your coordinators are top-shelf, and your big picture is strategically sound. Um, yeah...

About that? Alex Smith is going to be the starting quarterback this Sunday against the Seattle Seahawks. Smith's tenure with the team has been a sad one, and few people gave him a longer leash than I did -- I never thought he'd be the next Joe Montana or Steve Young, but I did think he could be a better than average quarterback. At times, he's shown that and won a few games by managing the game smartly, making some timely throws and even occasionally looking like a leader on the field.

But all too often, Smith over manages, being far too conservative (something I am sure is dictated by Singletary putting the fear of God into him over a turnover) and not trying to push the ball downfield ... and then making a turnover anyway on a dumpoff or screen pass. For years, he's had many excellent reasons to give him another shot - injuries, changing offensive systems (more than really any other top quarterback pick has ever had to deal with), etc. But at this point? We know who Alex Smith is, and he's not the quarterback of the franchise.

Still, Singletary says, "I just feel Alex gives us the best chance to win." First of all, Singletary starts a lot of his answers by saying, "I just feel..." or something similar. This is likely just a crutch (odd for a former professional speaker), but it also belies Singletary's personality -- he does thing because he feels it's the right decision, but he never seems to say why. He just feels that way. And here's a little data set for you. Here are the records as a starter for the 49ers of a few guys:

Shaun Hill: 10-6

Troy Smith: 3-2

Alex Smith: 16-24

Who gives the team the best chance to win? (Sure, Hill is not only in Detroit but also injured, but clearly, the team blew that heartily.) The team has spent the last few weeks extolling the virtues of Troy Smith, who has not put up great numbers but - according to everybody - handles himself like a leader, gets the offense excited, and at times has really pushed the offense downfield in a way rarely seen over the last few years. It's been impossible not to compare the praise Troy has gotten to Alex; it's quite clear this kind of leadership was absent with the quieter Alex Smith, who seems to spend way too much time in his own head. (It is for this as well as a visual similarity, that he has always reminded me of Matt Saracen, from Friday Night Lights.)

Singletary thinks the sheer number of starts Smith has, as well as likely a better comprehension of the playbook (not that he seems to use it all), gives him the edge in a game the 49ers have to win to stay in the ridiculous battle for the NFC West. This, despite no evidence that Smith can actually win in the big games, and having chosen to keep him on the bench despite being healthy the last few weeks. But now? He's our guy!

They say that doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results, is the definition of insanity. Starting Alex Smith might very well fit that bill - but in reality, it's more of a reflection of incompetence than anything else. Singletary has no other levers to pull, he can't get creative with the offense or defense because he doesn't understand them, and he doesn't have coordinators with enough background or tenure to get crazy (nor will Sing risk unleashing them). This move reeks of desperation, and it's embarrassing. This is a franchise that ranks up with anyone in terms of success, and there's no evidence besides the trophies.

The 49ers are 4-8. There's absolutely no way they are going to make the playoffs, and in no way resemble a playoff caliber team. Singletary is grasping here, and I don't blame him for that. But it pisses me off how little he's learned over the last few years, how little of a plan there is. When he leaves at the end of the year (and how he's outlasted Wade Phillips, Josh McDaniels and Brad Childress is solely a reflection of the lack of viable replacements), the organization will be in shambles. Coaches are leaving or have been fired, and the front office needs an overhaul as well.

I would think - hope - pray - that Jed York realizes that Erickson, Nolan and Singletary hires were "gut" calls, and that the team can ill afford to roll the dice again. They need someone with a plan, background and credentials to get others to join him. If it's Jon Gruden, that's great - but they need an offensive coordinator with chops, as well. And, of course, they need a quarterback - because everybody but Mike Singletary understands that Alex just isn't the guy.

As a fan, I wish the team nothing but luck this weekend and throughout the rest of the year. But Coach Singletary? I WANT WINNERS. You aren't one. 

Happy Holidays.

Picture In Need of a Caption?

This is disgraced Republican and future Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich and his current (third*) wife, Callista Gingrich:

Nah, we don't need a caption contest - this baby is already written:

PLEASE HELP ME. I AM SO...SCARED. TELL MY FAMILY I LOVE THEM.

Of course, I'm always willing for other suggestions. Please leave them in the comments.

* For those curious, Callista did start dating Newt while he was married to Marianne Ginther -- who he ALSO dated while married to his first wife Jackie Battley, who couldn't keep tabs on him because she was dying in the hospital with cancer. Hell of a guy, Newt.

Adam Carolla vs Sarah Silverman: A Book(s) Review

There's a certain kind of person who finds folks like Adam Carolla and Sarah Silverman funny - they delve into juvenile and/or seemingly objectionable subject matters, offend the easily offended and regularly fail to hide the fact that they are each actually intelligent, warm people. People who like them also probably find Jimmy Kimmel amusing - he's Carolla's best friend and Silverman's ex-boyfriend - as well as Bill Simmons (also known as ESPN's Sports Guy), etc.

Fortunately, I'm one of these people. I was a regular listener to Carolla's "terrestrial radio" program (with Teresa Strasser and, forgettably, Danny Bonaduce), and I am one of the many people who make Carolla's podcast among the top podcasts in existence.

I'm also enough of a fan of Silverman's that I endured her show, which was insanely uneven and often not nearly as clever as it thought it was - but also very often hilarious and unique. In particular, the episode where she not only has sex with God, but God turns out to be clingy and sort of pathetic bordered on the brilliant.

Both of them, it turns out, recently published books - so, you'd think I'd be a perfect candidate to read and compare them. Indeed, that's the point of the very post you are reading - thanks for catching up.

First, let's tackle Carolla's In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks...And Other Complaints From an Angry Middle-Aged White Guy. Yes, that's the title. If you've listened to his podcast, you can already guess at some of the subjects here -- front license plates, crappy music being played more than his favorites, etc. For those who aren't familiar, here's a good indicator - one of his chapters is called, "A Message to the Fat Cats in Washington" -- and it's actually a message to all the politicians who use that phrase, instead of actual elected officials. Mocking folks for big talk and being unoriginal? Prime Carolla territory. He also is outraged that kids have peanut allergies and thinks it's a reflection that we're all wimps. Hey, I share his frustration - I'd love to send my kid to daycare with a peanut butter sandwich - but it's the kind of thing that is fun to complain about unless you have a kid who could actually die from being exposed. And, of course, Carolla's solution? He doesn't really have one - not really the point here.

This is often very funny stuff, but in print (or electronic ink - read this on my Kindle) it's somewhat harder to brush off the fact that Carolla is bitching about things that he has no solutions for, or problems that actually have no solutions at all. If you can work past it, it's a very easy and often amusing read.

Next up was Silverman's The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee. My first suprise? It's actually about being a bedwetter.

Somehow, I'd thought this was a metaphor, or a crude joke (nobody likes a joke about bodily fluids than Silverman) - but no, it turns out she wet the bed well into her teens. I'm fairly sure this shaped her and in some ways she deals with this though (perhaps thankfully) she never says something like, "It was through these trials that I was forced to see the humor in the world" -- so there's that.


She later talks about leaving college to be a stand-up comic, though the attraction to that career somewhat comes out of left field and I really wanted to know more. (In contrast, Carolla talks a lot about how he worked to do standup, take improv courses, even when he was being mocked on construction sites because he knew it was what he wanted to do.) Still, those moments are probably the best in the book as she hands out flyers through the night so she can do standup for free at 2 AM.

Where Carolla's book is more of a treatise on subjects that interest him, Silverman merely recounts her life, from her 'scandalous' appearance on Bill Maher's show to her own program -- all of which she writes from a perspective that makes me think she thinks she's actually more famous than she is. It's interesting - and she often says things in a funny way - but I must say it was kind of boring at times and that's not any kind of good.

Still, as with Carolla's book - if you are already a fan of Silverman, you'll enjoy the book - but just probably not as much as you want to.

We'll call this battle royale a tie.

I Am Pretty Sure This Is Genius

Or, it could be incredibly stupid ... but I must say, it made me laugh several times which is all I can ask these days:



Notes: Josie Bissett from Melrose Place is still alive! And hot! (And Sherilyn Fenn is ... well, she's still alive, which is great!) A refresher course of some old Hollywood crushes if you have no idea who I'm talking about...

Apparently this is for some Norwegian television show, and who cares about the details. Here's their take on "We Are The World" -- I'd love the back story on how they convinced these very random selections of folks to do this.



Happy Holidays!

Happy Hannukah!

As always, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert bring the awesome:



It's not my least unfavorite time of year, either...

Jeter The Giant

So, the Giants lost Juan Uribe to the loathed Dodgers - I am not sure if the rumors are true that the offers were the same and he chose L.A. (because, that doesn't really make any sense), but either way, glad he got paid and glad the Giants didn't pay him $22,000,000, though I will miss Jazz Hands.

In his place, the Giants signed a one-year deal with Miguel Tejada, who seems to be a solid one year replacement while the team finds out whether Brandon Crawford or Emmanuel Burris are major league shortstops. I'm fine with this, especially all the reports that say that Tejada is a great clubhouse presence (something I actually would not have guessed). Chemistry is something I find overrated, but it's hard to deny its import on this championship Giants season.

All of this makes the following purely for fun, as it always would have been - no way the Giants match the Yankees offer to Derek Jeter, who seems to not have a great sense of his actual market value. But thanks to the beckett blog, we can all now envision what it might have looked like had Jeter joined the orange and black.

 You can actually do this for all 29 teams - that is, all but the Yankees - as the rest of the country has fun at Derek's expense. Hey, he's already gotten paid a lot, and, well, he's getting married to Minka Kelly. It's time he took a few slings and arrows, right?

Right.