Best. Graduation Speech. Ever.
From the always entertaining Drew Magary of Deadspin, here's the big finish, though it's all well worth a read:
So if you're graduating from college this month, promise me you'll get out there and be as useless and as wasteful as humanly possible. Don't get a job until you absolutely have to. Get drunk as shit. Play video games. Smoke weed. Watch porn. Ignore your grad speaker while playing a DS. Be a barnacle upon society. Do it now, because as you get older, you will find yourself with much less time to piss away. You'll have a spouse. And kids. And actual responsibilities. And all sorts of horrible forms and shit to fill out. Trust me. I can barely carve out half an hour every day to sit there like a lump of shit, when it's really all I want to do. When you get old, you'll have to do all these things that sound productive but, in fact, keep your mind from wandering off into new and bizarre places and coming back with GOLD. And lots of inappropriate sexual thoughts.I must admit, I'm a sucker for great graduation speeches - David Foster Wallace, Barack Obama, Jon Stewart and Will Ferrell's recent ones come to mind - but this is pretty excellent.
Do not seize the day. Let some other sap grab that day and go running off with it like a naïve little shit. Do not live life to the fullest. That doesn't fucking mean anything. Everyone has a life, and everyone's life is filled with exciting moments and moments of pure anguish. Just let life pass right on by. Anyone who says life is short is lying. It's not. It's endless, especially if you're waiting for your microwave to cook something. You got all the time in the world to do things, so don't do ANYTHING. Because if you spend enough time doing nothing, you're gonna come up with something. You're like a fucking COBRA. You're just laying there for years and years, waiting for your moment and then BOOM! FANGS IN THE NECK, BITCH.
And even if you don't come up with something … even if you waste all the time in the world and never come up with a good idea and never amount to anything … well shit, at least you didn't go working like a goddamn sucker. And at least you tuned out during that one lame-as-shit grad speech.